You Are Here

A beautiful reminder to be present where ever we are:

You wonder why you wonder when

You wonder how now and then

How you became who you've become

You are here and yet you dream of being there

Of being where you think the good life has begun

Every darkened hallway, every fallen dream

Every battle lost and every shadow in between

Will bring you to your knees and closer to the reason

And there's no making cases

For getting out or trading places

And there's no turning back, no you are here

Who can say who made the choice

In the matter of your birth

Who brought about that fateful day

Well you are here and born with fire and desire

You're the only one who can stand in your own way

Every broken arrow, every hardened smile

Every foolish gamble and every lonely mile

Will bring you to your knees and closer to the reason

And there's no making cases

For getting out or trading places

And there's no turning back, no you are here

And every sign of love, every seed that's growing

Every sweet surrender, to that silent knowing

Will bring you to your knees and closer to the reason

And there's no making cases

For getting out, for trading places

And there's no turning back, no you are here

"You are Here" by the Wailin Jennys, from their album, Bright Morning Stars

Twice as Good

"Good" Friday

Sometimes I find it difficult to "enter in" to the depth and richness of some of the most important events in the Christian faith. As a catechumen this year, I was encouraged to really enter into Holy Week, taking the time to feel and experience as much of what this part of the Christian story might have to teach/show me. I am still struggling to "enter in," most likely because my mind and emotions are elsewhere (Microbiology, work, buying books for class, trying to get rid of my acne, running billions of Easter bulletins at Westminster, a friend whose metal rod got dislocated from her hip...) Until I read this...a poem emailed by Mother Esme at my church.

"Buried with him in his death" by Tania Runyan

We fought for one more sputter
of the old life. Even though a breeze passing
over your sieve of skin could send you
screaming, you muscled up your diaphragm
to whisk more air into the fire.

I held my own terrors to my chest:
failures and brush-offs, cancers and crashes,
all the anxieties I had grown to love
heaving and cracking like your ribcage
until we both gave out.

Then there was the mess of prying us loose:
wailing women and splintered lumber,
flesh stubbornly sticking to the nails.
But what swift hands, that Joseph of Arimathea,
what purposeful footsteps crunching the ground!

He wrapped us in linen and spices.
Only the hapless world could think of packing
fifty pounds of aloe around a dead man’s wounds.
But we drank it in like deserts
until finally even the lizards scurried home.

I lay in the cave and wanted to touch you,
but my hands were no longer mine.
They closed in on themselves like daylilies.
The stone rumbled over the window of light,
and then our difficult rising began.

Photo credit: "The Burial of Jesus" by Gustave Dore

Why Christianity Must Change or Die

Friends,

I am reading this profoundly thought-provoking (albeit poorly titled) book by John Shelby Spong, titled "Why Christianity Must Change or Die: A Bishop Speaks to Believers in Exile." The book was a Christmas present to Ben from his mom, who also found it to be very thought-provoking. I've posted the "12 Theses" below as a way to possibly start a conversation.

The material he presents is honest and deconstructive - and as someone who attends a fairly liturgical church, I'm finding it more and more difficult to participate in some of the readings and especially the Nicene Creed that is so a part of our worship experience. Marcus Borg, another Jesus scholar, would say that the creed (Nicene) is a way to identify ourselves with a particular culture and story of the past - the story of how the man Jesus was understood to 'believers' at that time in history, to rule out a contending point of view (the Arius v. Athanasius debate), and to maintain the peace under Constantine. The creed for us today, he would say, is not an exercise for our intellectual approval. Well, that sounds nice - but if that is the case, why do we still recite it every Sunday, as if it were literally true? I'm pretty sure when people hear or say the words, "I believe..." they are not thinking to themselves, "I think this is a bunch of crap but I'll say it anyway..." - Most people truly believe the words - or feel as though they should - the virgin birth, the 2nd coming of Christ to judge the world, the bodily resurrection of Jesus, etc. etc. And, moreover, they think that if they are to call themselves Christian, they better believe it, because that is the truth.

Marcus Borg, in a lecture a few weeks ago that I attended, talked about reclaiming the Christian language. One of the words he focused on was the word believe. He said that the word, at it root, was more akin to belove or, "to give one's heart to" - the subject of the word believe was never a statement, it was always a person. Thus when we say "I believe..." in the creed, we are more saying, "I give my heart to...". This doesn't solve the problem of the creed for me...but it does help to some extent. In my opinion, I think we should write new creeds that are in accord with our understanding of God and the nature of the universe today - creeds that do not reflect the 3-tiered worldview that so framed the creeds of the past. I guess the question is, Why do we still use it? and, Can we speak it with honesty?

I would be interested in your thoughts - on the 12 theses below, or on the creed, or on any related matters. Here are a few points Spong makes - think of these as similar to what Martin Luther did while nailing his theses to the the door of Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany, protesting what he believed were the fallacies and malpractices of the established church of that time.
----

A Call for a New Reformation

1. Theism, as a way of defining God, is dead. God can no longer be understood with credibility as a Being, supernatural in power, dwelling above the sky and prepared to invade human history periodically to enforce the divine will. So, most theological God-talk today is meaningless unless we find a new way to speak of God.

2. Since God can no longer be conceived in theistic terms, it becomes nonsensical to seek to understand Jesus as the incarnation of the theistic deity. So, the Christology of the ages is bankrupt.

3. The biblical story of the perfect and finished creation from which human beings fell into sin is pre-Darwinian mythology and post--Darwinian nonsense.

4. The virgin birth, understood as literal biology, makes the divinity of Christ, as traditionally understood, impossible.

5. The miracle stories of the New Testament can no longer be interpreted in a post-Newtonian world as supernatural events performed by an incarnate deity.

6. The view of the cross as the sacrifice for the sins of the world is a barbarian idea based on primitive concepts of God that must be dismissed.

7. Resurrection is an action of God, who raised Jesus into the meaning of God. It therefore cannot be a physical resuscitation occurring inside human history.

8. The story of the ascension assumed a three-tiered universe and is therefore not capable of being translated into the concepts of a post-Copernican space age.

9. There is no external, objective, revealed standard writ in Scripture or on tablets of stone that will govern our ethical behavior for all time.

10. Prayer cannot be a request made to a theistic deity to act in human history in a particular way.

11. The hope for life after death must be separated forever from the behavior-control mentality of reward and punishment. The church must abandon, therefore, its reliance on guilt as a motivator of behavior.

12. All human beings bear God's image and must be respected for what each person is. Therefore, no external description of one's being, whether based on race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, can properly be used as the basis for cither rejection or discrimination.

Spong's Note: These theses posted for debate are inevitably stated in a negative manner. That is deliberate. Before one can hear what Christianity is one must create room for that bearing by clearing out the misconceptions of what Christianity is not. Why Christianity Must Change or Die is a manifesto calling the church to a new reformation. In that book I begin to sketch out a view of God beyond theism, an understanding of' the Christ as a God presence and a vision of the shape of both the church and its Liturgy for the future.

Prayer for Haiti

Gracious God,
I lift my voice in prayer with all the people of the world.

Surround Haiti and her people
with your loving embrace
that they may be:

supported by the world in the work of rescue and recovery;
comforted as they grieve;
strengthened as they bury their dead;
healed as they tend their wounds;
restored in faith and the
hope of things unseen;
and transformed through newness of life in Christ.

Make me an instrument
of divine love, of mercy, of hope, and of new possibility.
Give me eyes to see,
ears to hear, the will to act, and a discerning and generous heart
that I may serve you and those who suffer in whatever way I am able.

In and through the power of the Holy Spirit, I pray. Amen.

Living the Questions

Starting next Sunday I will be devoting two hours each week to what my church calls the Catechumenate, which is a spiritual journey of discovering what the Christian faith is, what is significant/meaningful about the Episcopal tradition specifically, and setting a trajectory for growing in faith.

I'm both excited and apprehensive about this. Excited because I genuinely want to be a more spiritually mature person, to know what I believe/what is meaningful to me, and to live out of that reality more fully. I am excited about asking questions that I've long been struggling with. These same questions are why I am apprehensive about the catechumenate. And I have a gut feeling these questions will not be resolved, per say, during the next several months - but I am hoping that I will be able to put them on the table, to wrestle with them, and to gain a sense of peace and confidence with the mystery of the unknown. I am hoping to not compare my faith with my friends, and to simply bring it all before the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe,

and to be at peace.

What kind of questions am I struggling with, you might be asking? Well, for starters, so much of what I recite in church on Sunday I don't actually believe. Or, perhaps more accurately, I don't feel that the language conveys the essence of what was originally meant when certain words or phrases were constructed to outline a specific doctrine. The Nicene Creed, for example, is filled with language and concepts about God that I cannot recite with honesty. Christmas carols, which my church sings (almost in excess in my opinion) this time of year, as well as hymns sung all year round, are filled with language and ideas of God and the Christian story that seem fanciful and out of touch with reality. Can I still be a Christian and not believe some of the main tenets of traditional orthodox doctrine? Who was Jesus? Who is God? How do we read and experience the Bible? Ultimately, I am hoping to sort through all of the religious hubbub to find what is real and true and meaningful, and to discard the things that are simply untrue or are a misconception about God, Jesus and what it means to be a follower of Christ. And there is a LOT of hubbub out there.

In other news, I'm in the midst of applying to nursing schools! The journey of learning that started last March with Cell Biology is now in a new and exciting phase. I'm applying to 6 different programs, all here in Portland, which start anywhere between this summer and fall. I also start classes again at PCC tomorrow, which will include the last of three in the Anatomy & Physiology series. I can't believe all the knowledge I've accumulated within the past 7 months. It's been wonderful and amazing and I'm so excited for what's to come.

Thanks for walking on this journey with me, friends.

Biology and Ben-Hur

My first term of Anatomy & Physiology concluded about two weeks ago - and since then I've been relishing every moment of freedom I have. I am still in awe of how much information my brain absorbed during that 8-week period. We covered bones and muscles, tissues, and part of the nervous system. Even though I am ecstatic to be done, I am also excited for next term. We will be covering more of the nervous system, as well as the endocrine, cardiovascular and immune systems. What I've enjoyed learning about the most is the processes that occur - the physiology of what is happening in our bodies. Even while it is fun spouting off anatomical language with my classmates (it's true - becoming a nerd is way too easy :), I've really enjoyed learning about the chemistry behind all of the reactions that occur in and between our cells. How muscles work, how neurotransmitters work, how different types of tissues function...I won't bore my friends w/ the details but even the seemingly mundane processes our bodies regularly go through are nothing short of miraculous.

In light of my newfound freedom from classes, Ben and I have decided to start watching the "classics" - (mostly older) movies that have in some way had a dramatic impact on the world. We started this journey with the epic, "Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ." Ben has seen the movie a handful of times but I'd never seen it. Boy am I glad I did! I don't even have the words to describe this film - spectacular and deeply moving, with the quintessential lead character filled by the beautifully chiseled Charlton Heston. I highly recommend it :)

The film, being the first I've seen of Charlton Heston (I know, I know, I'm absurdly naive when it comes to classic pop culture icons), made me think back on the film I saw in high school, "Bowling for Columbine." In this film, Michael Moore interviews Charlton Heston, who, at the time, was serving as president of the NRA. I watched the interview again on YouTube yesterday and was disappointed with Moore's treatment of Heston. I am also extremely intrigued by Heston's life history (of which I am just barely aware of - via wikipedia :) -

how he went from a political progressive active in the civil rights movement to a political conservative endorsing Reagan and both Bush's, and becoming a prominent defender of the Constitution's second amendment right to bear arms. The wikipedia article quotes him as saying this in response to his apparent switch in political allegiances: "I didn't change. The Democratic party changed."

Recently a member of my family publicly criticized me for my support of health care reform and Obama. I replied that I didn't think Obama was perfect, and that I suggested he watch the film, "Sicko". This same member of my family went on say that I was "brainwashed by the left,", that "all politicians are crooks," and that Obama is "nothing more than a polished turd of a used car salesman." He also cursed the maker of "Sicko" and politely referred to Obama as "Obama bin laden". This member of my family is a HUGE supporter of gun rights and refers to himself as neither liberal nor conservative, though I do remember him giving praise to Donald Rumsfeld just after we bombed Iraq.

In watching the clip yesterday from "Bowling for Columbine" I could see one small thread...an inkling, perhaps, of common ground between this family member and myself. Ultimately my ____(unnamed family member) wants to protect the innocent. He wants to get rid of the "bad guys." He probably doesn't receive his information from the traditional media because most likely it is suspected to be biased and reflecting the views of the liberal upper class. I'm not sure where his news comes from. Ultimately, much like most of us, we watch and listen to programs that in some way we trust, or believe is genuine, unbiased reporting. Of course what I think is genuine and unbiased is completely different from what other people in different corners of our country think is unbiased and genuine.

The Christ depicted in Ben-Hur speaks to so many of these underlying human problems (albeit indirectly). The camera never shows the face of Christ, only the reaction people have to him. I hate it when people say that something is "all about" something - reducing a complex issue to a nice statement. But in this one instance, it seems appropriate to say that it really is about power. The struggles facing the world are about power - who has it and who doesn't, and what the people with it are doing with it. This struggle for power (or, maybe just the freedom to exist as one chooses) is the context in which a helpless Christ dies for doing nothing wrong.

I am looking forward to the next "classic" from the library. We have close to 2 dozen on the list, so we'll be watching movies till our eyes hurt for the next few weeks :)

beautiful song...

First time ever joining a church

I don't know if it's the time of year or what but it feels like everyone (including me) is sort of bored with and/or not interested in blogging. I've been absent in the blogosphere lately because 1) I've had so much going on; 2) I don't feel like I have anything all that thrilling to write about; and 3) I've become more wary of sharing personal things on this blog with the world. So, I'm working on solving #3 by only making my blog accessible to friends. However I need specific email addresses for that. #1 and #2 I'm afraid will be that way for quite some time... :)

Some exciting news: I joined a church last weekend! Since moving to Portland almost two years ago, I've been attending a variety of churches. Some Presbyterian, some non-denom., one Methodist. They have all been positive experiences, for the most part. But none of them felt quite right. I wrote a few months ago about how I attended an Episcopal church and how it felt like home. Well, that feeling has never left me. Every time I go, I feel at peace, and I am so excited to be there.

So, last weekend I stood in front of the congregation and became a member! (Something I have never done before, at least at a mainline denominational church.) I'm excited to learn all about the Episcopal tradition and to connect into this community. So far, I love what I am learning and seeing an experiencing.

PS my biology class is going well. I registered for Anatomy & Physiology I this summer. It will be a busy season!

Grace

This morning I worshipped for the first time at an Episcopal church in NE Portland, and for the first time in a really long time, it truly felt like home. If Ben enjoys it as much as I did we may have found our church home. We shall see. It was so invigorating to feel good at church, instead of feeling like an awkward stranger. Church-going alone can be a lonely, scary task, particularly at larger churches where it is easy to get lost in the crowd. This morning a woman named Sarah welcomed me, invited me to coffee hour and introduced me to some other people...which makes all the difference when you don't know anyone. I'm thankful to God for this welcoming community in the heart of NE Portland. In addition to the people, the building is absolutely gorgeous. Smaller, intimate, warm, inviting, peaceful. And, to top it off, there were some younger people sitting in the pews! This may be an answer to prayer, we shall see.

Gratefulness

Friends that actually read this, thank you for your positive thoughts and prayers. I heard from my ENT doctor at 7 pm the day before Thanksgiving (talk about a committed ENT doc!) and he said that after looking over the CT, it doesn't look very worrisome. (Again, we can't know for sure what's happening...but chances are it's just benign adenopathy that never went away after getting mono two years ago.) He said we could either 1) remove the nodes, or, 2) monitor them periodically to see if they get bigger or cause more pain. He said he's removed dozens of nodes that are similar and they've almost always turned out to be benign. So, I opted for the latter, and he assured me that that was a good decision.
It's amazing, how much better I feel now, having had the CT. And while a scan like a CT cannot show everything, it does show a lot. And knowing that they're not a size that I should worry about and that there are no other signs/symptoms of something serious, gives me soooo much relief. This may be something I monitor for the rest of my life, or maybe they'll go down in 20 years' time. Regardless, the fact that there was no bad news made for a very, very enjoyable and ecstatic Thanksgiving with Ben and his family. I felt this enormous pressure lifted from me. I am very, very thankful... for friends, for doctors, technology, and the blessings of being in the presence of loved ones that make it all so special around the holidays.
Peace and love until next post. :O)

Lymph update

Thank you for your prayers, everyone. I've heard from my primary care doctor and she said that the scans look good! She said the neck scan shows some enlarged lymph nodes (obviously) but that they're "not that worrisome". The inguinal one does not exceed one cm in the short axis, which is the worrisome cut off for swollen lymph nodes...so, good news all around. I am still waiting to hear from my ENT doctor to give a more thorough examination of the neck CT. When I hear back from him I'll write again.

I'm so excited for spending Thanksgiving in California with Ben! Hope everyone's Thanksgiving is joyful. I know I have a LOT to be thankful for this year. Blessings and joy~

Prayers for healing

Ever since I contracted the Epstein-Barr virus (and therefore got mononucleosis) in December of 2006, the lymph nodes in my neck have been swollen. About a year ago I noticed enlarged inguinal (located in that lovely crease between your legs and your abdomen) nodes. About a month and a half ago I got an ultrasound of my neck, which showed a 1.9 cm node and others that weren't quite as big. Doctors start to worry at 2 cm. I went on Prednisone (an oral steroid) for a week and a half, to see if that would reduce the adenopathy. Nothing happened. So my ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor suggested I get a CT. After two years of worrying about this and talking to doctors about it, I am finally going in tomorrow for a CT of my neck and abdomen. This is both scary and reassuring. It will (hopefully) provide some answers about what is happening inside my body. My appointment is at 10:45 am. Hopefully I won't pee my pants on the way to the imaging place, or, even worse, pee inside the scanner. (I have the pleasure of drinking a half gallon of water an hour beforehand :) I'm thankful that i have a 'buddy' to accompany me on this grand adventure - my friend Melissa from Westminster will be sitting in as the buddy. Thank God for buddies. More info in a few days.

praying for healing

Today I feel weighed down. Broken relationships...especially ones you feel absolutely powerless to do anything about...these are hard.

I move on and forgive. I don't ask for forgiveness enough. I am weary of abuse and confusion of truth. I long for reconciliation but I also know that 'boundaries' are actually helpful in the healing process...for a time...or maybe forever? I don't know. All I know is that this is hard...and even after 'moving on' the process continues...over and over again.
Lord Jesus, have mercy.

I am taking a class on the Psalms, and the prayers and songs I've read are both disconcerting and encouraging at the same time. The prayers of the people of God are not clean and full of pious musings. They are full of a lot of things...praising, pleading, hoping, (dare i say) whining, desire for vengeance, desire for justice. They are messy and cover the full range of human emotion and experience. They can pray for us when we feel we have nothing to say. I'm grateful for this class, and, even more, the prayers of the people of God translated into English and meeting me where I am at, and teaching me about prayer.
(photo credit: "Glory" - http://etiennecreations.com/3.html)

What matters?

As I remember the 2000 election...the closest call, I believe, in US Presidential election history, I try and prepare my heart and mind for what may happen this November. Even if Obama wins the popular vote, there are huge electoral counts in several key battleground states which could give McCain victory. I have another phone banking session scheduled tonight at the Obama HQs in NE Portland. I am not convinced that what I am doing matters (it matters in the sense that it is contributing to more people getting involved in the political process, which is important, but not necessarily in helping Obama win this election). I believe that Oregon will vote for Obama. Obama will probably get the whopping 7 electoral college votes from this state to contribute to the necessary majority of 270 nationwide.

I'm a visual person, and these maps help illustrate what's happening. The picture on the left shows where our country is leaning right now. The one on the right shows how many electoral college votes each state will get.
As of right now, it seems the following are considered 'Battleground States' (Electoral College votes in parentheses). (I got this info from Wikipedia). This info more or less matches the results from the polls compiled on RealClearPolitics here: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2008/president/battleground.html.

• Colorado: (9) Recent polls show Colorado as a toss-up.
• Florida: (27) Polls show McCain with a sizeable lead in Florida.
• Indiana: (11) McCain with a moderate lead in Indiana.
• Michigan: (17) Current polls show Michigan with a slight Obama lead.
• Minnesota: (10) Recent polls show Minnesota as a pure toss up.
• Missouri: (11) Polls show McCain with a sizeable lead in Missouri.
• Nevada: (5) A current poll shows McCain with a slight lead in Nevada.
• New Hampshire: (4) Current polls show New Hampshire with a moderate Obama lead.
• New Jersey: (15) Current polls show Obama with a lead in the state.
• New Mexico: (5) Recent polls have been somewhat contradictory and have shown both McCain and Obama leading by slight margins.
• Ohio: (20) Current polls show McCain with a moderate lead in Ohio.
• Pennsylvania: (21) Current polls show Obama with a lead in Pennsylvania.
• Virginia: (13) Current polls show John McCain with a moderate lead in Virginia.
• Wisconsin: (10) Current polls show Obama with a sizeable lead in Wisconsin.

Friends, if you feel passionately about this election, I encourage you to get involved in whatever way you feel comfortable, especially if you are in a battleground state. Maybe this means researching the candidates more and knowing where they both stand on the issues...and trying to get your information from independent media sources (if that's possible). (This is something I myself feel particularly challenged to do.) Or maybe this means talking to friends and family. Or perhaps this means visiting your local campaign office and doing some phone calling, canvassing, or registering new voters. I've been tossing around the idea of doing phone calls to some of these states instead of mobilizing voters in Oregon - as I believe that's where we need the help the most. But, like my friend David commented on my last post, I, too, lose all eloquent or persuasive speaking ability when confronted with people who do not share my views. I've recently put out an invite on my facebook page to my more conservative-leaning friends, because I truly want to know why they are supporting McCain/Palin this election. From my standpoint, it is a no-brainer and obviously I'm very passionately pro-Obama. But I want to hear the other side. I want to know why half of this country is so fervently supporting a ticket I could not bring myself to support in virtually any circumstance I could possibly think of. To this point, I've come to believe that McCain and Palin's intentions are good, and that they truly and deeply want what is best for this country. I have to believe that they are inherently good people and are also human and therefore prone to serious error. I am not necessarily questioning their character (many of my liberal friends would strongly object to this!), but I am adamantly in opposition to their underlying philosophies which dictate the policies they support (for example, the philosophy of trickle-down economics).

It's getting close. We're six and a half weeks away from the election. I know from being in a long-distance relationship how fast this goes by (I mean that in all love, Ben :)

God is sovereign, yes. God is holy, too. And we are his creatures, who've been entrusted to take care of this flailing planet to the best of our ability and with our God-given wisdom, if we so desire it. May we all seek God's wisdom and Spirit through this process, and engage thoughtfully in the ways we feel led.

Love, Suffering, Christ

Frederic Buechner said that to suffer in love for another's suffering is to live life not only at its fullest, but at its holiest. It is in these places and times in my life that I have felt the most alive...where I've been in the midst of something truly sacred.

I realize that to question whether or not Christianity would exist without suffering is like questioning what life would be like without molecules...it seems to be an unproductive proposition...because we have suffering in this world, and life would not be life without molecules. We have incredible unrest, pain, and discontent. There is no point in imagining what life would be like without pain and suffering - because we have those things, and we always have had those things. It seems that these things either draw us nearer to God or lead us to withdraw in confusion, despair, anger, or isolation. Yet, in Christ, we do imagine a world without pain - where all of our tears will be wiped away from our eyes. Where all will be made new and whole. Where the city will rejoice. The very thing that draws us nearer to God seems to be the very thing that all of Christianity hinges upon. Without suffering and unrest, would we even care to look to God? Would we ever experience a holy moment? In a world without pain and suffering, who needs God?

The Kingdom I hope for is not a world in which there never was pain. It is not a utopia. It is a completely different paradigm of reality. It is Redemption. And redemption only comes about through something being turned over, redirected, and made right and whole - which means that in some weird way, suffering is actually a necessary predecessor for Redemption to ever happen. And like all forms of art, it is the contrast of light and dark which portrays the most intense kind of beauty. Christianity makes sense in a world of suffering. The Kingdom of God...the one Jesus talks about...involves an including of the outcasts, a healing of the sick, a turning over of the unjust systems that govern our lives - of corruption and greed, an empowerment of the powerless, a holy love for those who've been forgotten, mistreated, or ignored. The upside-down Kingdom needs all of these broken, ugly, painful things in order to work.

I would like to believe that if the world actually did run off of the principles that Jesus taught - if people actually did love each other, and we had peace between nations and families and within our very selves - that this way of doing things would still draw us nearer to God. I would like to believe that without suffering, we would actually be able to see God more clearly. I would like to believe that the very thing that draws us to God now...suffering...will one day not be the very thing any more. Maybe the thing that draws us nearer to God, in a peaceful world, will not be our suffering, but God's. Maybe that's the thing that, for ages since the death and Resurrection of Christ, has drawn all of humanity to the heart of God...into a deep and intimate embrace. Not our suffering, but God's.

Again I reflect on Frederic Buechner's words: To suffer in love for another's suffering is to live life not only at its fullest, but at its holiest.

My thoughts today are expressions of a faith I am trying to make sense of in light of this crazy world we live in. Sometimes I don't understand my faith. Sometimes I wonder if I have any faith at all. In my relationship with Ben, in my thoughts on the future, in my hopes for our world and particularly my hopes for this country and this upcoming election - I wrestle with God and with what my relationship to God even means. From who I know God to be, I think God likes us to wrestle with Him/Her. It is this very act of wrestling which shows our faith. So if you are reading this I encourage you to wrestle with God - and to remember that in every bit of pain and frustration and suffering we are in, God has been there. Thanks be to God.

What this election means to me

Last night as I watched Barack Obama's speech, I felt moved to tears several times. For the first time in a long, long time, I was truly proud to be a citizen of this country. Not because we are better than any other country. Not because God has 'blessed' us any more than any other country, or because we are entitled to anything. But because I've been proud of the values guiding this movement, and I am inspired as I see people, young and old, of all backgrounds, mobilized, taking a stand, to be a part of making this country better. It has been inspiring and humbling to watch.

Throughout these past few months, as Barack got closer and closer to winning candidacy of the Democratic Party, I have found in myself something I'm not really sure what to do with. Part of me is sort of embarrassed by how much hope and inspiration I have drawn from this election - from Barack himself. I am embarrassed because I hear the 'naysayers' criticize him for being a 'celebrity' and not offering any specifics as to how he plans on fleshing out in hard terms the theme of his campaign: CHANGE across this nation. As a person of faith, I could never put all of my hope in any one human being - knowing that in God alone, through the resurrected Christ, is there any hope for a future whose foundation is love, reconciliation, healing and wholeness. I remember stories in Scripture where the Israelites simply wanted a political figure to save them - to bring about peace and prosperity in their time, in their day, in real, hard terms. Thru this process, it seems, they put their faith in those leaders, rather than in the God of history - who embodies justice, mercy, grace, love, kindness. And thru this process, eventually, they came to see that their leaders could not live up to their expectations. It seems it is thru this lens that people of faith, many for the first time, are engaging in this country's political process this year.

Before now, I would have argued that my generation feels hardened by the political process - hardened because for about as long as we've been able to vote, George Bush has been in office and people like him have been running our country. Many of us are apathetic toward the process, too, because we are not aware of or are not experiencing directly the negative impact of the Bush Administration's poor policy decisions. Many who've been hit hardest by Bush's policies are the people without a voice in the current system - because they have no money.

Barack's campaign has addressed nearly all of these concerns and more. His entire platform is based not on him bringing us out of this mess we're in, but in us doing it together. He has stated repeatedly that this is not about him, but about us, collectively - the American people. He realizes that his political support has come about primarily through an incredible mobilization of ordinary people - and not primarily through 'big money'. He has empowered people to speak up and tell their stories, and fight for the world as it could be. This of course is nothing new - Jesus told his followers to pray, "Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." As one who yearns for the Kingdom of God to be here on earth as it is in heaven - a.k.a. for peace, justice, environmental restoration, etc... what could be more inspiring than a political leader saying, "Yeah, I want those things too, will you help us get there?"

My friend Norene, a 76-year old woman who I see a few times each week in the church office, talked to me today about her feelings throughout this election. She told me that she's been voting faithfully for as long as she's been able to - which is a long time. She said she has never been this emotionally involved in a presidential campaign. She was moved to tears, as well, as she heard Barack speak last night, and she's been following the DNC from the beginning. She is hoping with all her heart that my generation will listen to our hearts and our minds - and get involved in the political process - in the very least by voting...because if we do - we will see a change in Washington and in this country. It will not be over-night and it will be baby step by baby step - but it will happen.

I'm considering volunteering for Barack's campaign here in Portland (not that he necessarily needs my help here...) I'm realizing what a monumental moment in history we are in - and that we cannot go back in time and wish we'd done more. I don't want another four years in this country with a President who gives in to interests guided by money, greed and military power. Our people, our oceans, our air, our land - cannot afford it.

I, like Norene, am very emotionally involved in this campaign - almost to an embarrassing level. I've hidden it pretty well, though, up until this point. But what does that say about me if I care more about appearing calm and collected, politically neutral and safe - or - critical, showing no allegiance to any candidate - and focusing on the areas where a certain candidate does not measure up - than about doing whatever I possibly can to bringing about positive change in this world? This election has humbled me. No, Barack is not perfect. Neither am I. But he's the best I've seen in a long, long time.

Dorothy Day

A few days ago I watched a movie called Entertaining Angels, about Dorothy Day. I don't know what else to say other than it is worth watching. I remember learning about Dorothy Day and the movement she founded - the Catholic Worker Movement - in high school - but only very briefly - and I remember wanting to learn more about her in college.

The movie caused me to examine myself and the world in which I live - and caused me to reflect, again, on what it is Jesus wants for our world and for us. Not all are called to be Dorothy Day's or Mother Teresa's. But we are called to be faithful. Lord, help me, and help our world, in being faithful to who and where you've called us to be. Amen.
(The photo above is of Moira Kelly, the actress who played Dorothy Day in the movie. Photo credit: http://www.americancatholic.org)

The meaning behind mustard

My last post was written w/ a pretty poor memory and no references. Not wanting to get caught in my own BS, I became curious as to what Jesus' parable about the mustard seed might actually mean - and to see if my comparison to Bermuda grass is at all relevant. The relevance of my reflections on social change being compared to these two 'weeds' depends on one's view of what Jesus was talking about when he used the phrase "Kingdom of Heaven." For some this is all about life after death, and for others this is very much about the here and now. And for the rest, it is a complex mixture of both. Here are some things I came across that may help stir up more useful questions re: the mustard seed and the possible weed-like nature of the Kingdom of God: The first is from a chapter in a book written by Fr. Thomas Keating, titled "The Kingdom of God is Like...". I found it here. It is well written and very thought-provoking. He talks about what the Jewish people may have been thinking when they heard Jesus choose the mustard seed to illustrate his point about the Kingdom of God. I am tempted to paraphrase his article for brevity's sake, but I'm afraid I would ruin the context of what he is saying. It is definitely worth looking at if you are at all interested in the topic. Near the end of the article he writes,

"If we are looking for a great expansion of our particular religion, nation, ethnic group, social movement, or whatever, into some great visible organization that fills the earth, we are on the wrong track. This is not God's idea of success. Where are the mightiest works of the kingdom accomplished? in our attitudes and hence in secret. Where there is charity, there is God. Opportunities to work for the homeless, the starving, the aging, are all readily available. No one may notice our good deeds, including ourselves. The kingdom of God manifests itself in the modest changes in our attitudes and in the little improvements in our behavior that no one may notice, including ourselves. These are the mighty works of God, not great external accomplishments." (boldness added).

I agree w/ Keating on many levels - but I wonder how to practice this sort of mustard-seed revolution - if we are not actually pouring into the social movements of our day. I understand the value of small-scale actions and believe they are very true to what Jesus taught us to do. I also realize that not one social movement will solve all the world's problems. I realize that individually they represent a fraction of the big picture. But does that mean they are not worth us pouring our time and energies into? A perfect example would be campaigning for Barack Obama. If there is any ounce of us that believes one candidate over another will bring more blessing and peace to our world, why would we hesitate in doing whatever we are able to help elect that candidate? And we do this knowing that they are imperfect people like the rest of us, and that they need us to hold them accountable, just like any of us would if we were in their shoes.

Another interesting anecdote re: the history of mustard I found here. This article talks about the understanding held throughout history that mustard represents something that is potent. This has very little (if any) connection with the previous article - but I still thought it added some interesting things to think about re: Jesus' choice of plant in talking about the Kingdom of God.

The pictures I've seen of the mustard plant are not necessarily unsightly or unruly, as I previously thought. But they are also not stately or glorious. I suppose it is very much a matter of perspective, similar to the way dandelions are regarded as a source of great nutrition and even beauty (picture a child blowing on a seemingly magical, fluffy seed puff) - and to others (like myself), who are battling the proliferation of them in my yard, regard them as little more than an annoying, uncontrollable weed. As Keating's article explains, the mustard plant was regarded as an unclean thing to be kept away from the vegetable garden in Jewish law, because of its weed-like tendencies to take over and rob nutrients and space from the other plants. It does not resemble anything like a tree, but rather, depending on the variety, a modest bush.
Once again this brings up more questions than answers. Jesus used parables to teach the people a concept that they could understand, right? He used stories w/ images and objects they were familiar with. Why then, does it seem so difficult to understand what he really meant by these stories? Perhaps I am over-analyzing. Perhaps it is just all about love. Isn't that the easy Christian answer? Love God, love people, and love God's world. If only that satisfied me...
(photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/handbookofnaturestudy/2330411003/)